My Heart Will Never Know
by Psycho Goddess
Summary: Post AJBAC (I know I'm a season late, but whatever) Logan misses Max, Max returns to Logan, yadda, yadda, yadda... but things aren't always what they seem. Can he trust her? And can she trust herself?
1. Default Chapter

Okay, I so need to get a life. You name a song, I can make a Dark Angel story about it.  
  
Disclaimer: Another songfic. This time it's "My Heart Will Never Know" by Clay Walker. Post AJBAC, pre-DT. I'm way too psychotic for my own good, but what the Hell. Logan's reflection of losing Max. And because he's a grieving man, he tends to jump from one thought to another. Or so I argue…  
  
Okay, I just realized how horribly written it was and *tried* to fix it. To no avail, but it's at least a bit longer now. I need something to keep me distracted from the fact that, despite desperate efforts, I MISSED FREAK NATION! WHICH MEANS THE SHIP, APPEARENTLY BAD STUFF FOR WHITE, EVERYTHING *collapses* But I'm getting it sent to me right now :D I love the Internet.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I pour two cups of coffee, leaving one out for Max. I'm sure she'll want it when she drops by. I remove yesterday's from the table and drop it in the sink. I guess it's another day gone by. I go into my computer room and take out the papers I'm working on. Trying to track down Manticore's funding. I pause as I spy a brown manila envelope on top of the paper work. I know it's not mine. I pick it up, hoping for a clue to the identity of the sender. Nothing.  
  
The contents prove to be much more informative however. Several classified documents. Looks like Lydecker really does want Manticore gone. Or at least Renfro's reign.  
  
It's mostly financial transactions, a bit of program info and the like. One passage, from a personal letter, catches my eye. I pause.  
  
The 12 x5 escapees are considered top priority. Immediate capture and reindoctration is necessary. Failure to do so may result in funding cutbacks.  
  
  
  
It's funny how something that simple can catch me off balance. And it was ridiculous. I may not want to accept Max's death, and I certainly don't believe it, but the mere thought of the malice behind the letter astounds me. I had lost Max. Charlie had lost Tinga. All the x5s had lost their big brother. I'm pretty certain Brin was another write off to Manticore's evil. And all they got was a threatening mention to recapture them like they were animals. Max always told me that they just wanted to lock her up in a cage, but it never really sunk in. Sure, I knew that weren't exactly going to have a homecoming party, but it never occurred to me that all the horror stories were TRUE. True definitely, but not TRUE. I don't know what the difference is.  
  
Max is gone. All thanks to you Cale, I remind myself bitterly. I know it's not really my fault, she said so herself. Max would've done it whether or not you approved, I try to convince myself. No luck. I remember something Zack once said, that time Max should have left Seattle. Another thing that's my fault. "There's no such thing as luck. Success depends on a well thought out plan executed with precision." Why didn't you tell her that Zack? Maybe she would have listened to you. But maybe I'm wrong. She never listened with her head, it was always about her family. I doubt she would have waited for a better plan, even if we could think of one.  
  
Every night I leave the light on, she's just working late Turning it off is like ignoring her. I can't bring myself to do it. She might drop by later, even if I'm sleeping. Grab something to eat and blaze. As far as I can see, everything is still the same.  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
And my heart will never know,  
  
so I don't fall apart.  
  
I fool myself for another day that you're not really gone.  
  
And after all this time it's still too hard to let you go.  
  
As long as I don't say goodbye,  
  
my heart will never know  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
The weather has been nasty lately. I make sure to leave some hot water so she can shower, I know she hates the rain. But it always reminds me of the night I realized that she trusted me. Pouring rain, and the two of us went for a spin in the park. Despite the fact neither one of us really wanted to talk, I knew what happened to her. And she knew what happened with Valerie and I. We were always like that, more of a team then individuals. I had never known what that was before I met her. she knew it though, she knew everything it seems. Sometimes I wish we had stayed like that, in that moment when it seemed nothing could go wrong.  
  
I found her pager the other day, caught up in the sofa cushions. I had picked up the phone and hit the speed dial to tell her about my latest break before I realized what I was doing. A soft bleep from the settee drew my attention from the computer screen. I was convinced it was for me, that she was paging me. looking back at it now, I realize I must have looked like a fool. Sitting in a pile of cushions staring at a piece of plastic, convinced that it was going to bring back my dead love. Tears sliding down my unshaven cheeks. It's the first I've cried for her, really straight out cried. In retrospect, I hid behind anger. Drunk too much, laughed too little and somewhere in between I missed her. It's the last link I have to her besides memories. Why would they take Max? She was just trying to help people. Another thing you got her involved in Cale. Cynicism has become a part of life for me, a coping method if you like.  
  
She's a part of me, a part of everything I do. Every broadcast I make, every breath I take, she's part of it. So I keep holding on, and hiding from the truth.  
  
I wander out into the kitchen. Wander. I love that word, it's all I've done in 2 months. Wander around helplessly, piling on Eyes Only work and smiling when they say I'll get over it. Nobody realizes just how much I miss Max. she was the bright spot, the ray of hope that the world really wasn't lost yet. She did her best, she changed from being a selfish girl with too much attitude into a young woman who really did want to make a difference. She still had a long way to go, I wouldn't try and say anything different, but she was getting there. But they cut her short, like a tree that never reached its prime. Friends, or the few that are still left, think I'll get over it, move on, but I don't know how. Adjusting isn't worth it anymore, nothing is. All I have now are memories. Everything else is second best. I won't settle for that, I can't.  
  
Consequently I hide my feelings, Max can't really be gone. Not that way. It wasn't fair. And my heart will never know, so I don't fall apart. I fool myself for another day that she's not really gone. And after all this time it's still too hard to let her go.  
  
As long as I don't say goodbye, my heart will never know.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Good? Bad? In between? R&R, I need all the support I can get. Therapy may also be in order…at least that's what Joe the Rubber Chicken says. 


	2. Hero

Because I was asked, I had to add a second chapter. And because another reviewer wanted to see "Hero" in a story, I did my best. Not the best reunion scene, but better then that Designate This thing. *shudders at the memory*  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I walked into the apartment. It had been almost three months, and I had given up hope. Max was gone and no matter how much I wished it wasn't so, no amount of faith could raise the dead. It hurts me to say it, but I make myself. Every morning I wake up and die a little inside when she isn't there. But I make myself stand in front of that mirror, the mirror where I told her she had the single most beautiful face… but that is in the past. And I can't stay there forever.  
  
I see that Asha took it upon herself to straighten up the front hall. Sometimes I wonder what she really wants. Nobody hangs around just to hang around. Except Max, the traitorous voice in my mind says. Some days I wish I had died that night. To be honest with myself, I wish for that every day. Instead I have to stay here and fight. Keep alive the memory of the fallen. It's the worst job, it isn't the dying that kills you but the living.  
  
As I walked into the living room, I spied a female silhouette.  
  
"The sun came up and the sun went down…it did, didn't it?"  
  
"Max?" I ask disbelievingly.  
  
She kept on talking, not registering my presence. I couldn't recognize her voice, it had lost any sense of life, it was monotonous and void of emotion. "I was laying in the infirmary, and every day a little bit of light would seep through. It always reminded me of you, the way that you just ended up being in my life, no matter what I wanted. Every little nuance of light reminded me something about you. Little things really, the way you smiled or how your brow always furrowed when you were worried. The way that you were willing to forgive others, but not yourself. Even when you gave up, even in that last moment you planned to be on Earth, you were thinking of those around you. Do you have any idea how much I thank whatever higher power there is that the water seeped through that night? You can't imagine how terrified I was, that I wouldn't get here in time. That for once not even my genetically engineered ass could save the day.  
  
As I lay there day after day, night after night, all these insane thoughts ran through my head. And the night, when the room was so dark, I felt like that year, that brief year, was just a hallucination. That I had lived in Manticore all my life, that the memories were my way of coping. I was the darkness and the darkness was me. Just me, only 452. No Max Guevara, not Rachel Glasser, just 452. and when dawn began to creep up on me, I'd realize what I fool I was, the light always comes back. But there were times that I was sure it wouldn't, that the darkness was permanent. I cried so much, silent tears that rolled down my cheeks."  
  
As she enlightened me about her time in Manticore I moved towards her. The cushion beside her still form was soft. "Max. listen to me."  
  
She finally turned towards me, and I was shocked by her appearance. A long scratch marred her pretty skin. She catches my look. "Breeding partners. Asshole wouldn't take no for an answer. He…he," her voice became even more hollow, as if she were reading from a piece of paper. "He obtained restraining devices to ensure successfulness in his assignment."  
  
"Max." The need to comfort the frightened woman in my living room overwhelmed me. I gently touched her shoulder, to draw her in the way a parent would calm a nervous child. "It's not your fault, nothing that happened there was your fault. It was mine. I should have stopped you, if I had… none of this could have taken place. It's my fault, I'm so sorry."  
  
Max looked shocked at what I was saying. "None of this is your fault Logan Cale, and you're the only reason I'm standing here now. So don't go beating yourself up over something you can't change. I'm here for tonight, and that's all that matters."  
  
"Tonight?" the unspoken questions are in my voice.  
  
"Only tonight. The thing about plenty of time is that you think. And when you start to think, you realize things. I can't stay, I can't put you in danger. I'd rather know that you are safe then to jeopardize your well- being. Don't argue with me."  
  
"Whatever milady wishes shall be so," I say. "If all we have is tonight, then that's what I'll live off of for the rest of my life." If this is how she wants it, I'll just have to change her mind, I rationalized. I go to the CD player and turn it on. "May I have this dance, ma'am?" I extended my hand as the gentle melody began.  
  
"Let me be your hero  
  
would you dance  
  
if I asked you to dance?  
  
Would you run  
  
and never look back?  
  
Would you cry  
  
if you saw me crying  
  
And would you save my soul, tonight?  
  
Would you tremble  
  
if I touched your lips?  
  
Would you laugh?  
  
Oh please tell me this.  
  
Now would you die  
  
for the one you loved?  
  
Hold me in your arms, tonight."  
  
I moved in closer, so my lips just brushed hers. She responded quietly, moving her body to meet mine.  
  
"I can be your hero, baby.  
  
I can kiss away the pain.  
  
I will stand by you forever.  
  
You can take my breath away.  
  
Would you swear  
  
that you'll always be mine?  
  
Or would you lie?  
  
Would you run and hide?  
  
Am I in too deep?  
  
Have I lost my mind?  
  
I don't care...  
  
You're here tonight.  
  
I can be your hero, baby.  
  
I can kiss away the pain.  
  
I will stand by you forever.  
  
You can take my breath away.  
  
Oh, I just want to hold you.  
  
I just want to hold you.  
  
Am I in too deep?  
  
Have I lost my mind?  
  
I don't care...  
  
You're here tonight.  
  
I can be your hero, baby.  
  
I can kiss away the pain.  
  
I will stand by your forever.  
  
You can take my breath away.  
  
I can be your hero.  
  
I can kiss away the pain.  
  
And I will stand by you forever.  
  
You can take my breath away.  
  
You can take my breath away.  
  
I can be your hero."  
  
   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
If you want to know what happens, I guess you'll have to review! And if you don't please review anyways so I know how to improve. I only do what I'm asked, so it's, well, my fault if it sucks. I know that it's a little out of character, but hypothetically all the time spent thinking left a lot of room to think. It's incredible what people can think of when they have time and nothing else. Insomnia made me wise. :) 


End file.
